Scenario: You are an intern at a sales office. Your supervisor has asked you for feedback on an email she wants to send. Your assignment is to respond to the email below

Your goals:

  • To implement your business communication knowledge
  • To practice giving feedback
  • To apply your email composition skills

Scenario: You are an intern at a sales office. Your supervisor has asked you for feedback on an email she wants to send. Your assignment is to respond to the email below (on p. 3) with remarks that enable revising, editing, and proofreading. Unlike traditional reworking of documents, being asked to proofread or to edit in the workplace should take into consideration your audience’s needs, your relationship to this person, and how to get improvements made effectively.

Assignment Goal: A successful response will 1) provide strategic and actionable feedback and 2) address the major errors professionally.

In addition to proofreading for grammar when or if appropriate, look for ways to improve organization, brevity, clarity, and overall content.

Format: This should be in email format. Include all basic parts (to, from, subject line, body, and signature block).

You will upload 2 documents in one file:

  1. A reply to your boss in email format
  2. Revision suggestions to her document

Hint: One choice you will need to make is how best to offer solutions and revisions by email. Traditional editing remarks will not work; we’re completely online now. Do you track changes? Do you provide an overview? Do you print, mark it up, and reply? Think about what would be most effective and actionable for your audience. You will also want to make tactful content suggestions since you are revising in addition to offering some proofreading remarks.

What must I do to do well on this assignment?

  1. Follow conventional email format.
  2. Provide feedback and a reply email
  3. Proofread and edit throughout

Submission:

  1. Upload the Word document to the TurnItIn dropbox for peer review by the deadline on TurnItIn and the syllabus. (Go fast! My hope is this takes you 45 minutes or less. You do not have all day to work on this; you are pretending to be a busy intern.)
  2. Include the final draft (after you get peer review feedback and make revisions) in your portfolio.

Grading

This assignment will be graded with the professionalism / workplace-based rubric.

Letter GradeDescription
AYour supervisor would forward this document without any changes. Management would be impressed and remember your work when a promotion is discussed.
BYour supervisor would forward this document with minor editing. Your work would “get the job done.” Management would be satisfied and have to spend minimal time suggesting any edits.
CYour supervisor would ask you to revise and to edit before allowing people outside of your department to see the document.  Management would be dissatisfied and have to spend some time suggesting edits and revisions.
DYour supervisor would be troubled by the poor quality of work. Revision and editing are essential. The document must be rewritten before being sent or distributed within or outside of your department. Management may feel time has been wasted on the part of you or your supervisor.
FYour supervisor would consider the poor quality of work or your sloppiness as a sign that you may need to be replaced. Your document shows a misunderstanding of communication basics and writing conventions. Management would look for someone else to do this job.




Scroll down for the email prompt

Here is the prompt:

To: You [New Intern]

From: Suzanne McArthurton [Sales Office Manager & Your Supervisor]

Subject: Revise, ASAP! Yay WEekend.

Can you offer some feedback on this email before we send it out tonight? I put the main idea up front because I learned that in my business writing class – haha I know you’re in a business writing class now so I thought you could help with this. Revise & Proof. Email it back.

  • Suzanne Your FAVORITE BOSS

SUBJECT LINE: URGENT POLICY OPEN social problems and CEO ASAP

To Whom IT May Concern:

HELLO it’s Friday!

As anyone who showed up to work last week already knows the CEO (Top Boss! Top Sales!) came to visit our carrolltton office last week and then came to our mckinney office which I consider our superstar SALES office! She sent me an email and said that we firsthand and completely totally need to consider how people did online business like she saw Jon shopping for sneaks and not even real ones but on a rep site which totally makes me think you aren’t even aiming for hitting that year end bonus and she saw Juli watching her cat on the cat cam from the cat treat cam all stalkerish but when I told you all this in a series of emails you all thought I was sending too much email and just because I told you it was fine once to “get your business done but don’t leave the office unless your with clients or a quitter” it means that you can do the business you needed to do as long as you stay in the office nonstop. Like I always say, business gotta get done if it gotta get done. That means you meet sales goals. I hope this motivates you because I find it totally motivating personally. “DONT LIMIT YOUR CHALLENGES. CHALLENGE YOUR LIMITS.” (((haha dont challenge the limits on social and shopping.))) What I don’t’ find motivating is how some people think my new policy on social media and online shopping targets YOU or YOU instead of just making one clear policy. So, fine, you write it, and figure it out. I personally am completly understand all of your concerns about the need for flex time and ways about keeping clients and focussed on our sales goals, you know what I mean. Like Mr. Miagi says wax on wax off. Let’s get a new policy written for online time and fun time because all our time is work time. The social stuff like TIKTOK and all the texting and relaxing on your breaks – where’s it going ot end? I’m guilty too! Everyone knows my deep feelings about Friends who golf but limits are limits and this is coming from the CEO – haha and JUli said I can’t just close my office door to play. I get it. There’s a window thats been made clear to me several times. I have a lot of experience with this issue that can be useful to you. Why don’t we work together to write a better policy. We could answer a few questions in the road of writing up this new better policy. Some questions could be whether social and shopping helps anymore. Low key gaming maybe okay???? Golf is networking and networking is sales. What happened to clear 10minute breaks? Could phone lock up work instead? I could text you a hourly no shopping or gaming goal reminder. Should we have phone breaks like our old secretary June used to to take her ridiculous smoke breaks before she quit? Should we ban using the Internet on our work computers? Sould email and our screens be private or should everyone be able to see everything? Can you use it for personal stuff like fantasy sports? what if we did a screen share where everyones desktops appeared on one big monitor in the main area that way we could even help tag team on sales meetings. What if we stopped using the internet from 1-4 specially with appt setting. This would be unconvential for a sales agent office specially on weekends since employees need the internet to enter things into the MLS etc post listing, but then they – the SALES Agents – could focus on doing the real work of working in sales. Hitting the streets. Making bucks. Closing. That’s what matters. Also, with the new law in TX about texting & driving as we know since we saw Mick gets a ticket in the parking lot haha howd you close that sale anyways, everyone needs to be extra careful about watching TIKTOK or playing WORDSWITHFRIENDS while driving so we all avoid getting tickets while driving around clients. Very awkward. Youre not all as good as Mick. Suggestions? Youre the young people who like the social so you tell me because this isnt really my problem as golf is networking and networking is sales like I said once and need to repeat. Get my drift. Maybe the office girl can put together all the comments. Since its friday afternoon and many of you left because its 6pm then just get me back all these comments by 10am saturday before I head to the lake on my NEWWWW boat – Let’s keep focused on our sales goals.

WOOHOO WEEKEND!

Let me know ASAP about the new policy unless you have nothing useful to add. I wasn’t happy with the feedback on the brakroom policy last time I sent an email to get everyone’s thoughts and hopes altough the sales goals were met, so. FROM Tim McArthurton

PS: I thought this was appropriate! The sales and millennials conference I went last week said young people like these MEEMS. LETS STRATEGIZE OUR SOCIAL

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